it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Semen is not good for contacts.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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