this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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