Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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