i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
