do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
