a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
no you cant smoke seaweed
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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