I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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