I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
