i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
