yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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