I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
