guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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