i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
