I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
