i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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