you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize