Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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