next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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