I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
