i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
