Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
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