It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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