I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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