dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
