It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
