Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
