he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
