this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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