Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Send help, water and tortillas.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
