Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
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i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
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I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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