No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
