put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
