i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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