i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
