people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
