I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
