I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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