help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
