every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
