How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
