Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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