Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
