sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
