clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
