Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
