TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i love accidental penises.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
