Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
