And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
