My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
