I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
