I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
