you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
