You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
