he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
