you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
