I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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