JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
