he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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