I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
